If I die.


So, i’ve been to my fair share of funerals lately, and It got me thinking. When I die, there better be a party. I’m putting this out on the interwebs so that there can be no mistake about what I want to happen when i finally pass on.

I want booze and music and everyone telling funny stories. I’m not talking about the reception that takes place after the giant sob fest at some church i was never a member of, I mean at the memorial. I want people crying because they are laughing so hard at some stupid shenanigan i pulled off years before.

I want a closed casket. Unless technology in embalming has advanced so much that you can have me smiling with my teeth and sporting two thumbs up, I don’t want anyone to see the waxy fake-ness that would become of the postmortem process (unless they plan on actually making me part of a wax museum, which I’m not opposed to at all.)

I want people to be honest. When someone gets up to talk about me and the “Great man I was” I don’t want it filled with facts about my life that were just untrue. “He tried hard to spare all feelings and you could always knew he was a good christian boy.” The person who says that, better be so wasted they can’t feel feelings, or booted out immediately.

Don’t hold any of this in a church. I doubt I’d be allowed in one anyway, but just to make things clear, I don’t want my final place before I get put into the ground to be a place of judgement and repression. (for those of you reading this who disagree and got offended by that last sentence, go into a church and say “fuck” and tell me how that turns out.)

Don’t play Amazing grace or any of those other slow sad gospels unless it is a cover done exceptionally well. Walking on Sunshine has to be played before and after the service. Maybe in the middle too if someone feels so compelled.

Don’t let someone who hasn’t known me most of my life get up and talk. Nothing is more upsetting than to hear someone speak about the recently deceased and know absolutely nothing about them. “I remember when Chris and I fought in ‘nam back in ought 2.” and the whole audience is thinking I’ve lied to them my whole life about my age, and my sanity if I keep friends around who think I fought in a war that didn’t happen in 2002.

Overall, I just want to put the fun in funeral. Death is, of course, something to be sad about, but I think it should also be a celebration of what a person did and how they touched the lives of others, and I think that gets lost in the grief all too often.

So, remember, when I pass on, have fun, drink lots and always keep a little place in your heart for me. Unless you want to be haunted, because, so help me, I plan on haunting someone.


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