CUT THE CORD?

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So, the wife and I have been talking for a bit about cutting out cable.

I’ll let that sink in for a while, as I’m sure I haven’t been the only one to consider this.

This thought alone terrifies the hell out of me. I won’t know which myths have been busted or which ghosts haunt the most lowly places in America? I won’t have a spiky haired doppelgänger point out the best crap holes to get a cuisine only made in countries with no vowels. I won’t be able to experience the mind numbing escapades of a sponge and his greedy crab of a boss.

I sit here in a video induced haze wondering if any of that really matters?

It doesn’t.

I have talked to several people who have mentioned that they don’t even miss the shows they have lost by ditching cable. This means I have a chance! Sure, I’m bound to go through some kind of withdrawals, maybe even hitting rock bottom by masquerading a friendly (and of course surprise) visit to a friends house as a means to catch up on the blankiest housewives of blank while ignoring the host as I sit on the floor in front of the TV and let it bathe me in its radiant warmth and familiarity. I may even get kicked out of Best Buy or Wal-Mart as I jump from TV to TV absorbing as much cable and primetime television as possible, promising my family members and close friends that I could “quit anytime.”

However, just like kicking any addiction, life will be more vibrant, colors will be crisper, and I will look back on the world of cable and chuckle as I see others go through the same struggle. My bank account will be $100 richer, my relationships 100% more meaningful and my Saturdays only slightly less cartoonier (I’m bound to relapse). But If I can come through this coaxial tunnel and make it out alive, then I should be able to kick any habit.

Now leave me alone while I drink this gallon of fudge through a crazy straw.

If I die.

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So, i’ve been to my fair share of funerals lately, and It got me thinking. When I die, there better be a party. I’m putting this out on the interwebs so that there can be no mistake about what I want to happen when i finally pass on.

I want booze and music and everyone telling funny stories. I’m not talking about the reception that takes place after the giant sob fest at some church i was never a member of, I mean at the memorial. I want people crying because they are laughing so hard at some stupid shenanigan i pulled off years before.

I want a closed casket. Unless technology in embalming has advanced so much that you can have me smiling with my teeth and sporting two thumbs up, I don’t want anyone to see the waxy fake-ness that would become of the postmortem process (unless they plan on actually making me part of a wax museum, which I’m not opposed to at all.)

I want people to be honest. When someone gets up to talk about me and the “Great man I was” I don’t want it filled with facts about my life that were just untrue. “He tried hard to spare all feelings and you could always knew he was a good christian boy.” The person who says that, better be so wasted they can’t feel feelings, or booted out immediately.

Don’t hold any of this in a church. I doubt I’d be allowed in one anyway, but just to make things clear, I don’t want my final place before I get put into the ground to be a place of judgement and repression. (for those of you reading this who disagree and got offended by that last sentence, go into a church and say “fuck” and tell me how that turns out.)

Don’t play Amazing grace or any of those other slow sad gospels unless it is a cover done exceptionally well. Walking on Sunshine has to be played before and after the service. Maybe in the middle too if someone feels so compelled.

Don’t let someone who hasn’t known me most of my life get up and talk. Nothing is more upsetting than to hear someone speak about the recently deceased and know absolutely nothing about them. “I remember when Chris and I fought in ‘nam back in ought 2.” and the whole audience is thinking I’ve lied to them my whole life about my age, and my sanity if I keep friends around who think I fought in a war that didn’t happen in 2002.

Overall, I just want to put the fun in funeral. Death is, of course, something to be sad about, but I think it should also be a celebration of what a person did and how they touched the lives of others, and I think that gets lost in the grief all too often.

So, remember, when I pass on, have fun, drink lots and always keep a little place in your heart for me. Unless you want to be haunted, because, so help me, I plan on haunting someone.

It’s all becoming so clear…

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Well, I went out and bought a device that would help me write more. I won’t bore with the semantics of the situation, but needless to say, my brain is itching to get something started again. Now that I have a kids book idea, I think that might free up brain space to start working on another novel. Although I really like collaborating on writing endeavors, I feel I need to tackle this one on my own, which is frightening and exciting all at the same time.

I told myself, and those around me that I want to be a writer when I grow up, and I feel it’s time to make good on that statement.

On to round one, with research and development on my newest novel idea!

EUREKA!

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The apple has hit my head, the lightening has struck my brain, the bulb has exploded in a shower of electrical light fantastic.

The idea for my children’s picture book has started to come to fruition. Now I must give credit to my wife for helping me on the way to this discovery, and by helping I mean she was the one who blurted out the idea when we were talking; unintentionally brainstorming.

Of course I won’t place it here, as I will guard the idea like it’s my precious, only to unveil it when I feel it is worthy to see the light of day…or should I say moon.

In other thoughts, I think it’s time to get a small device that would be conducive for writing. I have a Mac Book Pro, but it is heavy to carry around all the time for when inspiration hits. My kindle doesn’t have a keyboard, and the few times I’ve tried writing with it, I spent more time fixing the auto correct than writing. I need something that can keep up with my word vomit, but not weigh me down. I like the new Surface by windows because of it’s attachable keyboard, but I’m also contemplating a netbook. I think I’ll see which is smaller and go from there, which is probably not something most people hear everyday.

UNTIL THEN!